Until you can breathe freely again

Last night, a very brave person reached out on Facebook and I realized that she has been wrestling with depression. My heart goes out to her and others I know who are dealing with this very palpable, persistent pathosis.

I've been sick for about two weeks. It started innocently enough, with a few little symptoms like a sore throat and some sniffling. But by now a big, nasty cough has taken residence in my chest and seems to be very comfortable there, with no intent on moving out. Early this morning, as I sat in the bathroom and coughed so hard I wretched and thought I may very well vomit, I wondered if this is just who I am now. Someone who may never sleep through the night again because I have become the landlord of the most annoyingly persistent tenant.

You get sick, and you go to the doctor. What do they tell you? How important it is to get a good night's sleep. I've been taking cough syrup to help me be drowsy and sleep through the night, but it's no use. My aggravating new resident wakes me up, regardless. It's very frustrating to know that a good night's sleep will help but the reason I need one is the reason I can't get one. Some nights, as I cough until I feel it would be impossible to catch enough breath to cough yet again, I cringe to hear I've woken the baby, who has a little cold of her own.

This reminds me a little of how it is to have depression. You may wonder if this is just who you are, now. You may think that someday you'll be better, but not knowing when and how much longer you have to go through this makes you feel terribly discouraged. Maybe those therapy sessions or those anti-depressants work like that nasty-flavored cough drop, which helps quell the cough for a little while, but won't really get rid of it.

To get over a cold like this, and to get through depression like that, you need time. Even now, years after I have healed from the depression and anxiety I experienced, I still find little holes in the walls to fill in from when depression resided within.

I like to think of depression as a disease. It makes it feel more legitimate to me. Even with how real and crippling I know it to be, the powerful stigma still affects how I think about it. But I was surprised when a friend boldly stated that depression is not a disease. It is not something that can always be treated so medically and objectively in every case. I loved his perspective on the psychic pain which is depression.

I know what that cough feels like, my friend. One day you will breathe freely again. Until then, I want you to know that there are so many that struggle with depression. Many do so silently. Thank you for reaching out, and know that you are absolutely not alone.